Today is the last official day of the original Alphabet Superset challenge. I know this because I received “The 27th letter” in my email today. The final “letter” of the alphabet. It’s a letter I wrote to myself September 3rd of last year to congratulate myself for finishing the challenge. It was a letter that was part of the challenge itself – and I thought at the time it was unnecessary…
I just read the letter about an hour ago and I started crying. I feel so many emotions/feelings simultaneously (and still do) and I am not sure how to process them all, so I thought I would write about it and see if that helps.
The first feeling is one of failure. I have not finished the challenge as of today. I am still working on the letter “T”, and in all honesty, that one is still entirely in my head, so I have not even begun to build it. So I feel, well, kind of like a fraud & failure. I feel I let everyone that I told about the challenge down… I really wanted to be done by now, and be able to celebrate my success. There have been too many things that I wanted to finish in my life that (for one reason or another) were never completed. The weight of all those memories of promises and commitments not kept (most of which were out of my control – to be fair to myself) add to the feeling of… well, kind of a “Well, Gary, you tried and failed… Yet again.”
Then there’s a feeling of loss. That time has snuck past me somehow and so many opportunities were missed because I was trying to finish the challenge. I said “No” to so many things that could have been amazing. I could have been focusing on something that might have pulled in more income and moved me toward something more… Which leads me to so much embarrassment. I could have focused on a more solid money producer which could have allowed me to finally move Becky and I out of our RV and into a real home. But, I know that’s not true… We’ve been happy and content where we are most of this time and there’s no guarantee that anything would be different. …and so much good has come from this “wasted time”.
I feel sad. Sad that so many people that I have been following and sharing this journey with might be moving on to other things. That the common struggle of all of us to keep up and not give up becomes mine alone again to some degree. The logical part of me knows this is not true, but the feeling is there anyway and so I feel it anyway. Someone please explain how you can know in your heart something is untrue or exaggerated, but still feel the feelings of pain in my chest as I breathe and try to hold back the sorrow of it as if it were true…
I feel guilt. That a deadline I meant to hit was missed. That the hundreds of people I talked to about this journey and an article I wrote about it feels somewhat less than it did now that I have not lived up to the challenge I set for myself. I didn’t want to let anyone down on this – and I intend to finish, but somehow it’s not the same as it could have been.
I feel relieved. That a hard deadline is gone. That I don’t have to feel as though I should work 24/7 to catch up and get it all done. …and even more relieved that I don’t have to compromise and make something I don’t even like, just to check off a few boxes in my head. I can still make what I want to make and now take my time and make it right.
I feel proud. There were so many opportunities that I said “No” to that would have derailed this whole challenge early on. I (mostly) stuck with my theme of a robot trying to find happiness/enlightenment instead of throwing that out for something easy and not as close to my own heart and my own desires… I’m proud of the fact that I put myself out there for the whole world to see despite being so afraid of being judged poorly as a grown man playing with his little wooden robots (and feelings) in a storage unit that I call a shop/studio. I’ve grown from where I was. Afraid of everything that might happen when I posted the very first robot on-line. I’ve gone from spending 2 days editing and worrying about the content of my videos to posting real-time unedited moments to those that follow me. I’ve built a website, set up an Etsy store, created and posted content to Instagram, Threads, Facebook, YouTube and TikTok accounts. I’ve made a business name and had a logo created for me. I’ve sold thousands of dollars in inventory and built up a storage unit with a single outlet – to a working shop. I’m going to be teaching a class this month – and so much more behind the scenes… Best of all, I’ve formed all sorts of new friendships with other artists. All things that are worth being very proud of.
I feel hope for the future. So much so that I’ve invited my best friend and spouse Becky to join me. She’s working her last 2 days (today and tomorrow 4/8-4/9/2024) at her current job and then she is going to help me full time with all the work that I struggle with. We’re both a bit scared, but we have so little to lose – we’re already living in an RV well under our means and have lost everything a few times in our lives, so there’s no fear of being homeless or losing everything yet again… Somehow we manage to keep being grateful for what we have – even when it’s just what we were born into this world with and not much else. My intuition says that everything will be better than we predict (and we’ve saved up enough cash to handle our expenses until about August), so it’s a risk, but not one that we’re not capable of managing. …and we’ve spent all of our lives up to this point trying to make it the way that we were taught by our parents and society – and we’re still “homeless” and living well below our means, so it feels foolish not to try something new in the last third of our lives.
I feel loved. At home, on-line and in general. That’s new. Not that I feel loved, but that I feel it so broadly. That it feels like the default instead of the exception. That it even sometimes comes from within now – that I love myself from time to time. That’s new too.
How can one being feel so many things simultaneously? Maybe that is the miracle of our very existence. That we are gods in our capacity to feel things so complex. …and survive it, to understand it, and maybe even learn to know ourselves through it.
I don’t know how I feel about sharing my own letter to myself. In words – it’s nothing special. There’s nothing amazing, inspiring or profound in it that I can see. But, I’m tearing up again thinking about what it means to me, so maybe there is something in the way the words are strung together that someone else too will find meaning in. So, here’s what I received in the mail this morning:
from: Gary Spetzler <xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> to: Gary Spetzler <xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> date: Apr 8, 2024, 12:00 AM subject: Letter to my future self Hi Gary,
It’s Sunday September 3rd (our wedding anniversary – huh). I’m writing to you as part of the Alphabet Superset instructions to write to my future self (the 27th letter). I’m not sure what I am supposed to write, but I think I get the idea of it, so here’s my best attempt…
You are awesome! (and not just by accident!)
If you are reading this then you have likely finished the challenge and are in a totally different head space than I am today. I picked this challenge for you because it is a challenge. It will require you to have focus and develop some skills that I am currently struggling with. It will give you a purpose and hopefully at the end you will have learned a bunch of things about yourself. In addition you should have a larger body of work and a lot more confidence than I do right at this moment. You are now much more in command of the skills you need to continue to succeed. You are now an artist in the purest sense of the word. I hope that you have listened to your heart along the way and created some pieces that bring joy to you and everyone that sees them. Remember that THAT is the main reason that I wanted this for you (to bring you and everyone else some joy). Hopefully it’s also brought some financial stability and a bit of a following too, but the joy is the main reason for living and you and I need to always remember that.
I picked this challenge for you. To bring out the best in you. Right now I feel it is a choice of love and hope – and I hope you still see it that way.
I have no idea what to expect for you. My hope is that everything in your life has just continued to improve and that you have found a small part of that acceptance and popularity that you have always felt you didn’t deserve. You do – you deserve it.
I am emotional today. Yesterday was the very first Saturday Market and we sold one small piece – I am both happy that something sold, and worried because it was only 1 sale. I am hopeful that things will begin to take off in the near future, but I can’t predict what will happen. Anyway, back to you right now. I hope that this challenge did what I think it will. Bring you confidence, purpose, focus and something to look forward to – not to mention that having a lot of work behind you now may give you a small sense of pride. Please take some time to let that pride be felt. Don’t just dive into the “real work” and let this moment go un-enjoyed. This was real work! Right now it’s scary and I am a bit worried about it, so give me a chance to celebrate this win with you.
I guess that’s it. I procrastinated until Sunday morning because I didn’t know what to say – yet another worry… I want to impress you too. Hopefully this all has more meaning later than it seems to have right at this moment.
All of my love and gratitude to you,
Gary